...about hangovers and being drunk:
If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate. Guess you had to have
been there one time or another..........
One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy
reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the
ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your
sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps
you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters
Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the
ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't
have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your
bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The
sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt.
Death sounds pretty good about right now!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
and once again, many thanks to Bruno dB. for these...